One of the big weights of being a child of immigrants is the weight of holding on to our own “ugly” feelings or feelings we have towards our upbringing, parents, family and all the challenges that came with it.

There is an unspoken rule in many immigrant families: don’t dwell or talk too much about your struggles, or if you do, keep it secret.

We have a knack for putting on an “everything is fine” face, when behind doors, we may be struggling to connect with others, ourselves and even our families. 

So what CAN we say? They say being vulnerable will lift the heavy weight and feelings of sadness and fogginess away, but what if we’ve been programmed not to open up?

What those people say is true, but it’s not as simple as suddenly knowing how to open up. Chances are you’ve become known for your independence and ability to stay cool, calm and collected. Some of you have even made careers out of these traits that come from a mix of your innate personality and being raised a certain way.

So where does this come from? It’s not as simple as our parents and grandparents intentionally brushing their (and also your) emotions under the rug. They, too, grappled with their feelings in a world that was new and less understanding of them (especially the distance created from oppression and not feeling like they belonged). 

In their eyes, the most pressing concerns were survival and food. Emotional well-being? This was a luxury they could not afford. Their stoic way of being was passed down, not by malice, but by misguided protection.

It’s a game of hide-and-seek but with our emotions. “Ready or not, here life comes. Deal with it and move on to the next if it doesn’t work!” And with that message, we do our hardest to blend into the background, hoping our feelings won’t find us. 

But our feelings have a message: the more you don’t listen to it, the more it will eat you up inside, affecting how you walk your life and all the decisions you make from carrying all those emotions in an invisible knapsack.

As an Asian therapist, I’ve even used my practice as a place to hide from my emotions and sometimes to reveal them. But before I was able to take those baby steps toward releasing the weight of the unsaid, I had to accept these truths:

1. It’s okay not to be okay.

The only way you can re-code this truth is to start by sharing small things to trusted people and receive a loving response from them. The key here is to RECEIVE this fact. You can hear supportive words from a friend and still dismiss them in your mind as something not for you. Be curious when that happens and try again and again to see what it feels like to not be okay in front of someone.

1. If you can’t admit to yourself that something is wrong, you won’t be able to share that with anyone else.

For some of us the programming is so strong that we even deny there is anything wrong (chances are, if you are reading this, you’ve done some work to shed this denial). If we can’t even hold our own stories in all of their good, bad, complexity and nuance, it will be more difficult to let anyone in.

1. I didn’t do anything wrong.

In the last newsletter, we touched on the difference between guilt and shame. In the last newsletter, we touched on the difference between guilt and shame. Shame often leaves a stain, coloring every “shameful” thought into something our fault. Our guilt can keep us from thriving, finding support systems that expand our world and even opportunities that give our lives joy and meaning. Chances are most of the guilt you carry is not yours. Doing the deep work of removing the shame from who you are will take time and be challenging, but it is so worth it.

1. I deserve to be loved and seen.

Some of these truths are not easy to swallow, but this one is true for anyone with a beating heart and a yearning to be better and be there for ourselves and our community. You can’t pour from an empty cup but you also can’t pour from a cup with too narrow a top.

Some of the hardest weight we will shed as children of immigrants won’t be pounds, but our learned way of showing up in the world (or rather not showing up) because we are carrying too much of the things unsaid.

In the next newsletter, I will share some exercises and prompts that can help us shed this weight and reinforce healthy minds and habits.

If you want some hands-on support with this weight, feel free to book a free consultation with me at the link below!

Rooting for you,

Vera